I Capture the CastleI Marry My Muse
by cresmoon
Summary: the out of character-ish, slapsticky, and very irreverant conclusion to this story follows...
1. Chapter 1

Writer's note: I don't know what happened. I plan to write a fluffy one shot wedding fic and instead it morphs into this gigantic multi-chapter fic with over 5000 words. The chapters are pretty short and I'm too lazy to post each one separately, so here it is, minus the conclusion and epilogue. Sorry for not breaking it up into separate chapters posts but there's really no point in doing it; bookmark it if you don't want to read it in one sitting.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, not making any money off this, just my very non-mushy and snarky take on how a Castle/Beckett wedding would go.

I Capture the Castle...I Marry My Muse

One

"Sweetheart?"  

Castle knew that tone of voice. The same tone of voice his mother used whenever she wanted something. Something that would probably ruin his life and scar him even further that she'd had already and no amount of therapy would fix him.   

"Yes, mother?" Castle didn't have time for this. It was bad enough he had a deadline coming up on the draft of the Nikki Heat novel he'd almost finished or that his tux was too big (which, if Beckett found out, she would shoot him for sure).   

"Have you hired a band yet?"  

Castle blinked. "Mother, I'm sure Beckett's dad hired one months ago...wait a minute, why are you asking?" Castle eyed his mother suspiciously.

"Oh, no reason, darling...just that I was hoping I could-"

"No."

"Richard, you haven't even heard what I was going to say-"

"NO."

"But-"

"Mother," said Castle in his maddeningly calm tone, "I'm only going to say this once: you _cannot_ sing at the wedding."

"Now darling, you're being quite harsh," said Martha in a hurt voice. "Need I remind you that I was once nominated for a Tony?"

"Yeah, only because the other actress pulled a Katherine Heigl and said she didn't want to be considered." No time to sugarcoat the truth when Martha got on one of her manic Martha kicks. "Mother, do I have to remind you what happened when you sang at mine and Meredith's wedding? Or Gina's wedding?"

"Well, how was I supposed to know he was the lead singer? He sounded like a dying hyena! I was just showing him how to hit the high notes properly-"

"You made the entire band walk out of the wedding! They've now blacklisted all my events. And their deposit was nonrefundable!"

"But darling, you know I've been practicing for my Broadway comeback, and really, when is a better time to show everyone what I can do?" Martha gave her son a beseeching look. "You know, I was thinking of inviting Andrew Lloyd Webber and putting the whole thing up on youtube, forget that Susan Boyle, I'll show her how it's REALLY done!"

Castle put his hands over his head and shut his laptop off in frustration. He was never going to get this damn chapter finished, the tux still needed fixing, and his mother was going to lead to Beckett filing for divorce _before the wedding_.

Two

"It's good to have you home, honey," Castle said in his most (falsely) cheerful voice. "Did you have a good day at work?"

"Oh yes, peachy," said Beckett sarcastically. "Who wouldn't want to hang around dead bodies all day and figure out what happened to them? Why, it's even better than Disney World!" Beckett had been in a far snippier mood than usual lately. According to Ryan and Esposito, it was Bridezilla-itis. Or Godzilla-itis. Probably the last one. Only at least Godzilla hadn't carried a gun.

"Well, come over here and sit down and I'll rub your feet. And you can tell me all about the big bad murderer you just caught."

"Castle," said Beckett irritably. "Can you tell why you're talking to me like I'm five years old?"

"Erm, well, here's the thing," said Castle meekly. "I have bad news and even worse news. Which do you want first?"

Beckett merely groaned and dropped herself on the sofa. Castle hesitantly reached for her feet and Beckett purposefully swung them out of his reach. Oh, dear.

"What?," she asked grumpily.

"Well, um, my tuxedo doesn't fit. I think it might've been made for LeBron James. Or maybe Andre the Giant."

Beckett swore. Loudly.

"And my mother wants to sing at the wedding. Which probably means she'll start taking requests. But she's promised no drunk table-dancing this time! I mean, as long as she doesn't get drunk. So in other words, yes, there will be drunk table-dancing."

Beckett didn't seem to be listening, as she pulled the throw pillow closer to her and rested her head on it and closed her eyes. "So what's wrong with that?"

"You - you don't mind her singing at the wedding? When she's drunk? Trust me, being waterboarded is nothing compared to listening to that."

"Castle, I like your mother. I love your mother, actually. She's been like a mother to me, too," said Beckett sleepily, her eyes still closed. She'd been feeling so tired lately. "So let her get a little tipsy and sing, I'm sure she won't be the only drunk person there, I'm starting to feel like I'll have to have lots of vodka myself to get through this thing in one piece."

"You're the best. Oh, uh, you're kidding about the vodka right?"

"It's been a long day, I need to sleep, Castle."

"But we still haven't decided what to do about your name!"

"No, _I've _decided and _you're_ not okay with it. I am not changing my name to Castle, and that's final."

"But sweetheart, it's traditional. The wife always changes her last name to her husband's."

"This isn't the 1960's, Castle. I am not changing my name, nor am I going to wear a little apron for you and stay in the kitchen and bake muffins all day."

"Could you wear the apron on the honeymoon then?" Beckett glared at him. Time to change the subject. "Well, then, what about a non-traditional name?"

Beckett groaned. He wasn't going to let her get any sleep tonight. "And what is that?"

Castle smiled and bounced on the couch excitedly. Damn. Beckett was going to have to find a better place to hide the chocolate chip cookies.

"How about we both change our last name to a combination of our last names? Like Caskett?"

Beckett was suddenly wide awake. "Caskett?"

"Or Becastle? But it doesn't roll off the tongue as nicely as Caskett."

"Caskett?! _Caskett?!!"_

"What, you don't like it?"

"Castle," said Beckett, sounding like she was speaking through tightly-gritted teeth. "I am not going through my life with a name that means a pine box in which you rest in for all eternity."

"Well, actually, it'll have two T's at the end, not one like the word 'casket'-"

"I don't care, I'm not going to do it! Neither I nor any children we have are going to have that name, in fact, if I ever hear the word 'Caskett' again, there will be _no_ children, very possibly because I'll have kicked you in the nuts too hard. Is that clear?"

"Okay, okay, sweetie, no need to get excited." Castle kept smiling cheerfully. "Why don't we talk about it later and-"

But Beckett was already fast asleep. Castle covered her with a blanket and gently kissed her cheek.

Vodka was certainly sounding better and better by the minute.

Three

"Hey, Esposito? Montgomery wants to see you in his office."

Esposito nodded thanks to one of his fellow detectives and stood up from his desk, puzzled. What could the Captain possibly want to talk to him for? It was the end of the day and he was about to leave for home. The operation earlier today had gone smoothly, with the suspect being caught and confessing all within just a few minutes. And the Captain hadn't said anything to Ryan or Beckett.

Esposito hesitantly knocked on the Captain's door. "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Esposito," the Captain nodded by way of greeting. "Come in. Close the door and sit down."

Esposito did as asked, feeling even more bewildered. Closing the door was the Captain's way of saying whatever they were about discuss was confidential.

"You understand that whatever we talk about here tonight remains between us." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes, of course, sir. Is there a problem?"

The Captain frowned. "I'm not sure if that's the word for it, but we do have a situation. As you know, the Mayor and Police Commissioner have been keeping a close eye on this department ever since Castle started working with us. Well, I've heard rumblings that they are very impressed." The Captain clasped his hands together and leaned forward. "And unless I've misheard, which I doubt, one of your team is going to be promoted to lieutenant very soon."

Esposito couldn't believe it.

"It's not you, Esposito," said the Captain apologetically. "I've heard it's Beckett."

Esposito's flash of disappointment was replaced by his gladness that his friend was getting what she deserved.

"The Police Commissioner has heard about how well Castle and Beckett have been working together and has decided that Beckett should move up."

"Beckett will be thrilled," said Esposito.

The Captain smiled. "Yes, she will. I'm very proud of her, as I'm sure you all are. But here's the situation. The Commissioner would like Beckett to come visit from time to time, collaborate, maybe even work alongside him if possible."

Esposito frowned. "Doesn't he work outside the city?"

"Yes, he does. Which means Beckett may be traveling quite a bit every now and then, staying out of the city for days or weeks at a time, possibly." The Captain paused. "You see the problem?"

"Doesn't sound like a good idea for someone who's getting married soon," said Esposito slowly.

"No. Now of course we have to remember that the promotion is not definite yet, and besides that, it's not like Castle can't go with her if she has to go out of town. All the same, though, I would appreciate it if you would keep this under your hat, Esposito. Under normal circumstances I'd have told her, but Beckett is stressed out enough as it is, I don't want her or Castle or anyone else to overthink this. At least not till I know if it's really going to happen. Understand?"

Esposito thought of how cagey Beckett had been lately. "Absolutely, sir."

"Have a good night, detective."

"You, too, sir."

Four

"You're half an hour late," said Lanie tartly. "What took you so long?"

"I got here as fast as I could," protested Ryan. "Why couldn't you get started without me?"

"Beckett asked us to help narrow down the flowers and that's what we're here to do. I'm the maid of honor and I need help and you're the one who said you wanted to be more involved so get with it, Ryan."

Ryan made a face. He was starting to regret agreeing to be one of Castle's groomsmen. "Please tell me there'll be some hot women at this wedding," he groused. "All I've done since I agreed to do this is get fitted for penguin suits and pretend to like pickled herring."

"Hot women? And what would your girlfriend say about that?"

Ryan shrugged. "Nothing, since she's not my girlfriend any more. We broke up last week. And now I don't have a date to the wedding."

"You're a groomsman, should you have a date?"

"Well yeah, you don't want me to go home with the first girl I see, do you? Last time I was at a wedding, I almost hit on the bride."

"What?!"

"Hey, it's not my fault, okay? She wasn't wearing a white dress," protested Ryan as Lanie rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking for much here, I just broke up with someone, I just want to go to this thing with a pretty girl...hey, wait a minute! Lanie, you're a girl!"

"Oh, nice one, Ryan," said Lanie sarcastically. "So you finally noticed! What did you think, that these are cantaloupes I shoved down my shirt?"

"No, no, I mean you should be my date!"

Lanie snorted. "Forget it!"

"Look, I told you, I'm not asking for much here, not even a date really, just an escort," pleaded Ryan. "Just make sure I don't drink too much champagne and knock over the cake or accidentally hit on Beckett or do anything else stupid like that. Please? Just go with me, and make sure I get back okay."

"I'll think about it...okay, okay!" Catching Ryan's pitiful look, she threw up her hands. "Now help me decide which flower arrangement would be better." Ryan opened the photo album of sample arrangements as Lanie snorted again. "And puh-lease, do not under any circumstances hit on Beckett whether you're sober or not. You do not want to get on her bad side these days."

Ryan shuddered, thinking of the scene yesterday where Beckett had almost had a meltdown at Castle's coffee machine. "Yeah, no kidding. What is it with her lately? It seems like the stupidest things set her off. She's always been tense, but not like this."

Lanie shrugged. "Worried about the wedding?"

"Yeah, but it's not just the wedding. Last week she caught that suspect who ran away and she almost took his head off." Ryan shook his head. "I swear, the way her mood's swinging these days, it's like-"

Lanie suddenly gasped, her eyes wide. Ryan looked at her, concerned. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," gasped Lanie. Ryan looked at her curiously as she got up from the table. "Listen, we're going to have to finish this some other time." She started to gather the albums in her arms. "I have to go."

"What's going on? Are sure everything's okay? Can I do something?"

"No!" Catching Ryan's startled look, she said hastily, "Everything's fine. I just have to go check on something."

"You mean for the wedding?"

"Something like that," muttered Lanie. "I'll see you later." Without another word, she left, juggling all the albums uncomfortably. No matter. Lanie had to find Beckett. Fast.

Five

Castle made a face and pulled at the bowtie. Why was this thing so uncomfortable?

"Does it have to be so tight? I feel like I've been gagged and bound!"

"Well, that's what marriage feels like," quipped Alexis. "Better get used to it, dad." She smiled mischievously as she readjusted his tie.

"Very funny, kid. Very funny." But Castle was smiling. He smiled a lot these days, Alexis had noticed.

"Hey, dad?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm really glad you're marrying Detective Beckett, I mean, Kate," Alexis corrected herself, as Beckett insisted she call her Kate.

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Yeah. Even though you were a total moron about her and it took you FOREVER to figure out you liked her."

"Hey! It wasn't just me, you know." Castle pouted. "Katie was like that, too."

"Yeah, but you were so much worse," said Alexis.

"Well, yeah," Castle murmured. Alexis gave the tie a final tug and stepped back to appraise him. "There, how does that feel?"

"Feels good. Thanks, honey. So what do you think? Can you believe your old man is about to get married again?"

"Well, being that the first time I wasn't here so I can't say anything about it, and the second time it was about as well planned as one of Britney's weddings," (Castle swatted at her playfully as Alexis ducked, giggling) "I would say, yeah, I think you're finally good this time." She grinned. "Oh, and dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Try not to screw this one up, okay?"

"Hey, why would you tell me not to screw this up? It's not just my wedding, you know!"

"Well, it is your third wedding," Alexis said wisely.

"If you want to warn anyone not to screw anything up, tell it to your grandma. She's going to sing!"

Alexis gasped. "Shut up!"

"No, but I do wish grandma would. If she has as many martinis as she did when I married Gina, we'll be lucky if it's not that horrible song from Titanic or _Wind Beneath My Wings_." Castle looked balefully at his mortified daughter. "Do me a favor and pray she gets laryngitis."

Alexis squeezed his arm reassuringly. "You're going to do just fine and so will grandma. Or else Kate has a gun and she'll shoot you both. And I'll pretend to look the other way." She looked at Castle with mock reproach. "Don't disappoint me, dad. Okay?"

"Okay." Smiling, Castle was about to take the tie off when his phone rang. Probably about the wedding rings. "I'd better get this, kid." Alexis nodded and left for the kitchen. To his surprise, the caller ID showed it was Bob, not the jeweler. "Hey Big Cheese, how's it going?"

"Ricky! How're those groom-to-be butterflies of yours? Think you're gonna make it till Saturday?" The Mayor teased.

"As long as my best man doesn't get me too stoned at the bachelor party, I will...hey, what am I talking about? You're my best man!"

"Very funny, Ricky," said Bob, chuckling. "Don't forget, you'd better behave, Detective Beckett has a gun, you know."

"So I've heard."

"Listen, I was wondering if you were free for lunch, got something I think I should probably tell you." The amusement was suddenly gone from the Mayor's voice. "The usual place? One o'clock?"

"Uh, actually I gotta get back to the tailor for a final fitting and then pick up the ring," said Castle. "How about tomorrow?" The Mayor was quiet. "Is everything okay? It is about the wedding?"

"It's about Beckett, actually."

"Okay, what's going on, Bob? You're starting to scare me. Has something happened to Kate? Did the asshole who killed her mother get released?"

"No, no, no, it's nothing bad, Ricky! Well, not really anyway. It's just something I heard at the Police Commissioner's, that's all. I was going to tell you over lunch-"

"Tell me now."

Bob told him.

"I see," said Castle quietly.

"So she hadn't said anything to you about it?"

"No."

"Well, look, Ricky, don't read too much into it. She might not even know about it, I just found out myself," said Bob placatingly. "Try not to worry about it, okay?"

"Sure thing, Big Cheese. Thanks for telling me."

"No problem, man. I'll see you at the wedding, okay?"

_If there was still going to be a wedding_, thought Castle. "Later."

"Later."

Six

Beckett frowned, picking up her phone. That was the fourth text Lanie had sent her in the last hour, a very cryptic "have 2 talk 2 U asap." Beckett had a feeling it was about the wedding, but she wasn't in the mood to talk about it any more tonight. Turning off her phone, she went back to sleep.

Sleep, however, was not in the cards. "Rise and shine, sleeping beauty!" Oh, good grief. Sugar-rush boy was back.

"Castle, I'm trying to sleep."

"It's only seven, aren't you going to have dinner?"

"I'm not hungry. I just want to sleep."

Against his better judgment, Castle put his arms around her and pulled her up from the couch.

"Would you mind telling me what you're doing?"

"I got you an early wedding present," said Castle, placing a large cardboard box in front of her. "Go ahead and open it and then you can get back to sleep."

"Remind me again why I agreed to marry you?"

"I don't know...why did you agree to marry me?"

"Because I'm a masochist?"

"Or could it be because you can't live without charming, adorable, lovable me?" Castle grinned at her as Beckett tried in vain to pretend his goofy smirk and bright blue eyes had no effect on her whatsoever.

Resigned to the fact that only doing as he said would please her man-child of a fiance so he'd let her get back to sleep, Beckett pulled the package in front of her and began opening it. It was too big to be jewelry.

Inside the box were three bulletproof vests. Only, in typical Castle fashion, none of them said "police." Beckett realized Castle must have had them custom-made, just like the ridiculous "writer" vest he'd worn so long ago.

"What are these, Castle?"

Castle grinned. "You said you needed some new vests. I decided to, um, spice them up."

"Ah."

The first vest said "Mrs. Castle."

The second read "Nikki Heat."

The third read "Muse."

"So what do you think?"

"Do you really want me to tell you?"

Castle's face suddenly became all serious. "Absolutely. In fact, if you have anything you need to get off your chest, anything at all about the vests or anything else, you can tell me."

Beckett blinked at the sudden change in his demeanor. Where was this coming from? "You know very well that I am NOT going to wear any of these, much less out in public in front of any other police officer. Ryan and Esposito would never let me live it down."

"Your work really means a lot to you, doesn't it?"

"Of course it does. You know that."

"And there's nothing else you, um, feel like sharing?"

What was he talking about? "No, except that, never _ever_ give me a vest again."

"Fair enough," said Castle quietly. "I'll let you get back to your nap, Detective." He leaned forward and gently kissed her cheek. "Oh, and Katie?"

"Hmm?"

"They're not for work."

"Oh?"

"They're for playing good cop, naughty suspect on our honeymoon." Narrowly missing the pillow she threw at him and leaving her to dream whatever kinds of dream that comment inspired, Castle left her to sleep.

He closed the bedroom door gently behind himself and frowned. Was it possible that Bob was right and she didn't know?

Seven

Lanie sighed in frustration. She'd tried Castle's land line and gotten the damn machine again:

_"Hello, you've reached Casa Castle - _

_And Beckett! I'm not changing my name, I told you - _

_And we're unavailable right now, probably because we're trying to have copious amounts of sex and don't want to talk to you while we're - _

_Castle!! Stop that, this is our outgoing message!!_

_Like they don't know, we're almost newlyweds –_

_I don't care, you are NOT leaving that on here, how the hell do you delete this thing..."_

Lanie hung up, rolling her eyes. As entertaining as this was, she didn't have time for this. She tried Beckett's cell again.

"Beckett."

"Girl, I have got to talk to you! Didn't you get my texts?"

"You mean, all seven hundred of them? Let me think-"

"This ain't funny!," hissed Lanie. "Meet me at your apartment in ten minutes and make sure you're alone."

"Lanie, have you gone and joined the CIA while I wasn't looking?"

"I'm serious. Just be there." Without another word, Lanie hung up.

Beckett sighed. Was there a sane person left around her? The wedding was making everyone nuts. No wonder wedding planners cost so damn much - the therapy they had to get afterwards must cost a fortune.

Beckett drove to her apartment. She'd mostly moved out to Castle's place and hardly stayed at the apartment anymore, save for when she was too tired from packing to head to the loft. She was going to hand her key in and move the rest of her stuff out after the honeymoon.

Lanie was already waiting anxiously at Beckett's apartment door, carrying a drugstore paper bag. "You're here by yourself, right?"

"Okay, I was just kidding about the CIA thing-"

"Just get inside," said Lanie, practically shoving Beckett inside the apartment as soon as Beckett pushed the door open.

"Could you please tell me what the hell is going on? Because you're acting as though you've lost your mind. I mean, it's bad enough with Ryan and Esposito and Castle all acting so crazy, but now you-"

"Just go in the bathroom and take this," Lanie interrupted. She pulled into her bag and pulled out a thin cardboard box.

Beckett took it from her and looked at it. And felt her heart stop.

"Lanie?"

"What?"

"...This is a pregnancy test."

"I know what it is," said Lanie impatiently. "Now go in the bathroom and do your business on the stick and wait however long the box tells you to wait and-"

"You. Want me to. Take a pregnancy test. You want _me_ to take a _pregnancy_ test? Why??"

"Well, gee, I don't know, I thought it might be fun if we all took 'em," said Lanie sarcastically. "I'm going next and then maybe Esposito. And let's not forget the Captain. And then of course Ryan, you know if anyone's pregnant, he is, he's such a manslut-"

"This isn't funny, Lanie!" Beckett's voice was bordering on hysterical. "You think I'm pregnant? That's impossible!"

Lanie rolled her eyes. "Oh yes, I forgot what a bastion of purity writer boy is, I'll bet you two just play checkers when you're in bed, right?"

Beckett glared at her best friend. "That's not what-"

"Okay, my mistake. Chess? Backgammon?"

"I've been on the pill for months!"

"The pill ain't perfect, girl, you know that. Accidents happen. Why do you think you been so tired and grumpy lately?"

Beckett let out what sounded almost like a wail. "Lanie! I am marrying Castle. _Castle_, the biggest, most annoying pest of a man who's ever lived!"

"Oh, now stop that, you love him and you know it. Besides, didn't you think you were ever having kids? You've never talked to him about it?"

"Well, of course we've talked about it, but I didn't think it would be _now, _you know?" Beckett was almost in tears. Stupid hormones. "I thought it would be a few years before we did, you know, so I could get Castle to grow up, or maybe after I could get him properly lobotomized, but this can't be happening now!"

"Girl, when is it a good time for it to happen? Ain't never a perfect time to have a baby," said Lanie reasonably. "Besides, what you got to worry about? His kid turned out okay, didn't she?"

Beckett dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. "Yeah, she did. Alexis is great. I just, I mean, I can't believe this is happening now. It's all so fast..."

"You do love him, right?"

"Well, of course I do," said Beckett impatiently. "I mean, yes, he drives me crazy and yes, I threaten him about ten times a day and lately, I can't help but want to rip his ears off every time I look at him but if he isn't lying there next to me in the morning, I think I'd lose my mind."

"Girl, you sure ain't kidding. You ain't Romeo and Juliet, you never have been. That's not your kind of love."

Beckett smiled faintly. Romeo and Juliet, never. "Nah. We're more like Garfield and Odie. Or the Roadrunner and the Coyote, maybe? Well, I mean if Garfield didn't make Odie so miserable all the time or the Coyote didn't keep dropping anvils on the Roadrunner all the time."

"Well, you definitely remind me of a Looney Tunes cartoon sometimes," said Lanie dryly. She gently put her arm around Beckett's shoulders. "Let's not get all panicky till you take the test, okay? Just go into the bathroom and pee on the stick, and I'll be right here if you need me."

Beckett sniffed. "Thanks, Lanie." Beckett went into the bathroom and took the test, carefully leaving the strip on the sink till it was time to take a look.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. Just, I don't know, talk about something else. I need to get my mind off this."

"Ryan is my date to the wedding."

"...Oh...wait a minute, really?"

"Sort of, yeah."

"_Oh._"

"Yeah."

**Will Beckett tell Castle about her possible bun in the oven? Will Castle ask her about the promotion? Will Ryan and Lanie get together? (I think they'd be sort of cute). To be continued…if I can figure out how to fix the horrific mess that is Chapter Eight and the Epilogue.**


	2. Chapter 2

Writer's note: So here's the conclusion and epilogue. Not very good, but it was hard to end it and since it is mostly a humor fic, I didn't want to drag it out with a lot of angst. Thanks for all the feedback on part one, more (good and bad) is welcome. I really enjoyed writing this and getting away from all the heavy angst the finale inspired.

I Capture the Castle, I Marry My Muse: Conclusion

It was finally W-Day (day of the wedding) and it seemed as though everyone was on edge.

Less than ten minutes till Castle and Beckett would exchange their own handwritten vows and become husband and wife…but Castle couldn't figure out why Beckett had been avoiding him the last couple of days any more than Beckett could figure out why Castle had been avoiding her.

"Is there any chance Dr. Phil is one of Castle's friends in attendance today?" Beckett sarcastically muttered to Lanie as she helped her retouch her make-up. (Alexis, the other bridesmaid, was already up front, ready to walk down the aisle).

Lanie sighed, completely exasperated. "I thought you were going to tell him you're pregnant before the wedding?"

"I've been waiting for the right time."

"Which, apparently, is the day the kid qualifies for social security."

"Lanie, puh-lease," whined Beckett. "I'm under enough stress right now and now thanks to being knocked up, I can't even drink at the reception! How am I supposed to get through this day?"

"Just keep smiling," said Lanie calmly as the music started to play and Alexis started walking down the aisle to her place. "And please, girl, tell me you left your gun at home."

"I had to. Damn thing wouldn't fit into my garter," grumbled Beckett.

Meanwhile, Castle stood at the altar, feeling a bit numb. He looked over at Bob, who mouthed 'are you okay?'

Castle merely shrugged with his deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. Bob quickly came to his side and whispered "So you didn't talk to her?"

Nothing but another wan shrug from Castle. Ryan and Esposito, who'd witnessed this, could only exchange puzzled glances.

Everyone turned to see the lovely bridesmaid (Alexis), maid of honor (Lanie), and finally, bride (Beckett) all walk down the aisle respectively and take their places at the altar.

Alexis, smiling, looked beautiful. Lanie, smiling a little warily, looked lovely (Castle could've sworn Ryan ogled, and Esposito elbowed him). Beckett, in a gorgeous white strapless gown with no train, looked absolutely radiant, if a little queasy.

Ten minutes later, it was time for the vows.

"Richard and Katherine have elected to write their own vows."

"Castle," croaked Beckett, who'd since looked nauseated and broken into a sweat to the concern of everyone around her "when I first met you, I thought you were an arrogant, pompous, overly hyper child who everyone indulged because you're the great, famous Richard Castle and apparently everyone from here to the Mississippi is a fan of yours." Beckett paused. "But now, I realize something." She nodded her head rapidly like a bobble-head doll, her eyes almost comically wide.

"That you're wrong?"

"No, that I'm absolutely right!," burst out Beckett in the same feverish tone. "You are everything I said, you, are, Castle," (Beckett started to gasp between syllables) "and furthermore, I can't help it, because no matter how much of an annoying, overgrown, pain in the ass man-child you are, I'm still in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

And with that, Beckett, half-gasping and half-crying, turned away and threw up.

"Are you all right?," Lanie hissed in a stage whisper while Alexis and Martha came to her side in concern.

"Um, honey, I know you're nervous because it's me you're marrying, but was that really necessary?," asked Castle.

Gasps arose from the guests sitting in the church pews as Beckett puked again.

Castle went over to her. "Okay, really, was it something I said?"

"It, is, NOT, something you said!" snapped Beckett. "It's something you_ did_!"

The priest, a look of horror on his face, asked "Er, would you two like to stop the ceremony and talk about this in private?"

"No!" shouted the 'happy' bride and groom in perfect unison.

"What _I_ did? You're the one who agreed to a promotion that'll take you out of the city for weeks at a time," retorted Castle.

Everyone exchanged horrified looks, including Captain Montgomery, who'd shot Esposito a what-did-you-do look. Esposito could only frantically shake his head in response. Bob clutched his temples, as though in pain.

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about, Castle."

"I have no idea what _you're_ talking about!"

The priest, still shocked at the turn the ceremony was taking, leaned over to the groomsmen: "Are they always like this?"

"Yes," said Ryan resignedly.

"Pretty much," muttered Esposito.

"Just let them talk it out, sir," said Bob apologetically.

"Castle," Beckett was talking out of gritted teeth now. "I don't know what you're talking about. I did NOT get promoted, and I've heard nothing about it!"

"Er, yes you did, Beckett…I was going to tell you after the wedding, but you might make Lieutenant soon," Captain Montgomery said apologetically as he made his way out of his seat to the front. It was the bridal party's turn to look at him in shock. "Don't blame Beckett, Castle," said Montgomery quickly. "She really didn't know, about the promotion or about having to commute out of the city. I didn't want to tell either of you until after the wedding, you were already so stressed out."

Beckett almost keeled over in shock as Lanie brought her a chair and she sat down. "I had no idea..."

"The Commissioner wants to discuss it with you later on, Beckett," continued the Captain. "He'd like you to work outside the city if possible, but I'm sure he'd be willing to modify the terms however you want, given the circumstances." He paused. "I'm sure you can work it out somehow. You won't need to move."

Castle looked relieved.

However...

"Well, that still doesn't change the fact that you did this to me!," yelped Beckett at Castle, still sounding completely emotional.

"What are you talking about? I didn't get you promoted. That was all you, Detective gorgeous, infuriating, overachieving, tight-ass with a stick up her butt! If this were _Dancing With Wolves_, that would be your Indian name!"

"Do NOT flatter me right now, Castle, it won't do you any good, and I'm not talking about the damn promotion, I'm talking about the baby!"

"What baby?!"

"Your baby, you nincompoop! Our baby! I'm PREGNANT!"

Complete silence echoed through the church, followed by more gasps throughout the entire building.

Dazed, Castle finally spoke. "You're-you're what?"

"I'm pregnant," said Beckett softly.

More gasps. Then...

"You're pregnant?!" Alexis.

"How far along are you?!" Martha.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Alexis.

"This kid is going to need so much therapy," muttered Bob to Ryan.

"I think I'm gonna need some, too, just for being here," Ryan muttered back.

Everyone started talking at once, including the guests who were buzzing to each other.

"About five and a half weeks," yelled Beckett over the cacophony. "And it's too soon to know if it's a boy or girl, isn't that right, Lanie?"

Everyone looked at Lanie. "What?" she asked, annoyed. "Of course I knew about it, I'm a doctor!"

Completely overwhelmed, Castle reached forward and pulled Beckett into an embrace. "We're having a baby," he whispered delightedly in her ear.

For the first time in what seemed like days, Beckett smiled. "Yeah, we are."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wasn't sure how," Beckett laughed softly in his ear. "With everything going on and then I didn't know what was going on with you-"

"I'm sorry, I was mad because I thought you took the promotion without talking to me first-"

"I would never do that, I love you, and besides I wouldn't leave you alone at home for that long anyway, you'd probably burn the place down-"

"Well, I would never leave you for that long either, who else would keep my bed warm-"

"Castle, we're in a church!!" Castle shot a sheepish look at the horrified priest.

Castle grabbed her, kissing her passionately while the guests hooted and clapped.

"Katie, I love you, but you've got puke breath…aah!" Castle pulled away from her, but Beckett grabbed his ear and kissed him again, smiling.

"Oh, shut up, _Kitten_."

"Seriously, please tell me you're to take a breath mint before the honeymoon?"

"I may not have my gun right now, but I can still get one from someone else, Ricky."

"I love you, Detective stick-up-her-butt."

"I love you, too, my pompous arrogant Kitten." More kissing, hugging, and a few tears.

The priest cleared his throat nervously. "So...is it safe to finish the ceremony now?"

Epilogue

Ryan and Lanie were slow-dancing at the reception. "It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?"

"I'm guessing you don't know what beautiful means?"

"Oh, come on, once they were done yelling and calling each other names, it was nice."

"They were fighting during their _wedding_."

"It was romantic!"

"It was like an episode of _Everybody Loves Raymond_ meets _Bridezilla_."

"We should've brought popcorn," giggled Lanie.

"Cats and dogs, those two. Cats and dogs." Ryan snuck a bemused glance at the happy couple. He leaned in closer to Lanie. "By the way, am I crazy or has Martha been eyeing the Captain all night?"

"What?!"

"Castle had said something about keeping her away from the alcohol so she wouldn't sing, but I could've sworn she put a hand on Montgomery's a-"

Before Ryan could finish his sentence, Esposito and his wife danced over to them. "I think they're about to cut the cake."

"This should be good." They all headed over to the cake where Castle and Beckett stood.

"I'd like to make a toast to my new husband," said Beckett, radiant. "I can't think of anyone I'd rather threaten, tease, hug, kiss, love, or spend my life with more."

Everyone awwww-ed.

"I'd like to make a little toast to my lovely wife," said Castle, smiling (a little mischievously, Alexis noted worriedly).

Castle cleared his throat. "As some of you may know, before I started writing Nikki Heat, I, well, suffered from a bit of writer's block after I finished the Derek Storm series." He paused as the crowd of guests murmured to each other.

"Well," resumed Castle and the guests silenced. "I've figured out the best way to never get writer's block again," He took Beckett's hands in hers and kissed it, looked at her adoringly "is to marry your muse so she'll always be with you."

Beckett blushed. "I love you, but you are so going to get it," she whispered in his ear.

"Oh?"

"Yeah." Grabbing a handful of cut cake, she smashed it firmly into Castle's face.

Castle wiped the cake off his face. Instead of retaliating, he said: "Well, that reminds me, I got you another wedding present." He smirked devilishly.

"You did?"

"Yup." Castle grinned wickedly. One of the cater waiters brought out a cardboard box to Beckett. Castle, with an evil gleam in his eye, grinned at his new bride. "Go on, open it." The others, curious, gathered around as Beckett unwrapped the package and pulled out its contents.

Another bulletproof vest. With the words "Mrs. Caskett" on it.

Beckett calmly replaced the vest in its box and carefully tore out a chunk of cake as she slowly approached Castle, threateningly hovering the cake over her head. "Start running, Castle."

"Now, Katie, it's our wedding-"

"Start! Running!"


End file.
